*Content Warning: Contains Descriptive Information About Rape, Abuse and Child Abuse. Reader Discretion Is Advised*
Men would come, I smiled and let them see me, if they liked me, they paid my father and raped me, if not, I was beat and raped by my father. This went on from as young as I could remember until I was about 6 years old when I was saved by my adoptive family. Most of the knowledge I have of my past hell is what I was told or comes back in flashbacks from suppressed memories. Sometimes I’ll even have body memory of the horrors these monster men and my father would do to me, I can still feel the pain sometimes.
My father must have enjoyed hurting me and I think enjoyed watching other men rape me. He would sit and watch my little body being raped by other men, after they left, he’d then give me a kiss on my forehead and say, “good job honey”. I was so confused, I never felt loved or taken care of, I didn’t understand why these men would use my body in such an intimate, womanly, but abusive way, I was a tiny, little girl. Every time it happened I would scream in my head and feel a piece of my soul inside die.
Often times there would be groups of men that would take turns with me. The pain so intense I would pass out and wake up to this crazed monster on top of me, sometimes they would even use my mouth. I wasn’t allowed to make noise or show I was in pain or my father would beat me.
I remember one time lying in bed with my dad on top of me and seeing my mom in the doorway, I yelled out for her but my father beat me and told me to shut up, that she wasn’t there to help me. I never understood why, why she never stopped my father or these men from abusing me and using my body so aggressively for sex. Why did nobody love me? Why was everyone there to hurt me?
The more I try to deal with the trauma of my past, the more flashbacks I have of the horrors I went through, I don’t understand how I physically survived some of the things I went through. Recently I had a flashback of being in the kitchen as a little girl, clutching a blanket or my shirt or something before being raped by a group of men, I felt my insides being torn apart, after they finished and left, I heard a women’s voice, panicking, saying, “don’t move, the Doctor is coming”. I laid, shaking uncontrollably and barely alive in a pool of blood and semen on the kitchen table. When I tried to get up I started bleeding more and she told me to lay down and relax, my body was in shock and the bleeding wouldn’t stop. When the Doctor arrived, he said I was hemorrhaging, gave me a shot and I passed back out.
I get flashbacks from different triggers. For example, I recently realized I can’t get near cars with an open hood because it reminds me of when my father would slam them on me. I also have a large scar on my right leg, I don’t remember how I got it, but when I asked my family, they told me my father had broken both my legs when I was 4 years old and the bone went through the skin. I know I have gone through things I still cannot remember but will probably experience again in a flashback. I try to focus on my life as it is now, with my loving husband and beautiful daughter, and not the horror it was when I was a tiny, little girl.
My past haunts me constantly and It has taken years to process what I have been through. I still have nightmares of my past and flashbacks so vivid I can feel the pain all over again. I am still learning of my past traumas and working through them, every day is a challenge but I know that I am safe now, and even though sometimes I wake up emotionally drained, I am alive, I am loved by my husband and daughter, and I am safe from my monster-father, my negligent mother, and those other horrible men.